seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
