It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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