If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
