I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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