You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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