I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
