How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
