How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
