I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
