I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
