Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
