I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i was born a porn star she said
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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