i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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