i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
