I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize