I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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