Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
