There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
