Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
