I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
