you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
