She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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