i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
