someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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