I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
