tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
