i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am naked and annoyed.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize