what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
