I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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