And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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