Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
