i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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