Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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