You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
