There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
