god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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