I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
