I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize