She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
