Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
