I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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