And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
