Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do vagina's smell?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
