I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
