Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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