I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
