Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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