My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
