So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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