My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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