i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
