Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
