I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
