she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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